I think because I’ve had so much trauma in my life I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. This breakup with Douglas is absolutely in my definition of traumatic - it has been one of the most painful, knife-twisting experiences I remember having. I’ve never handled breakups well (A WRECK) but this one has been very difficult and worse for many more reasons. My world just kind of caved in.
I don’t know how to handle trauma. I cried for days (literally days), got angry with God, and pleaded to make me feel less hollow. I feel absolutely hollow. I finally just ran out of emotion and (for the first time!) didn’t have any ideas other than just give up. At this point there’s nothing Douglas or I can do to make it easier and being sad all the time is pointless. and MISERABLE.
I 100% still believe we should be together and I’m not ready to give up on that, but I also see I could be wrong. I’m trying to trust God to either bring us back or let this make me stronger somehow. It’s NOT easy and that’s a security I only found after 40 gallons of tears and 16 hours of self blame. This is hard every day, every minute. Everything reminds me of him and the things that don’t remind me of him, I want to tell him about. It’s TRICKY and I’ve never had to trust God so much before. My faith is the only thing I feel security in. HOW do people live without God or a faith in something. i do not understand