I make Malachi tots every day for lunch, knowing he doesn’t like them, knowing he won’t eat them, knowing I will. Why can’t I just put the tots on my plate and skip the drama, I dunno. it’s denial, somehow

I woke up at 3am, excited to write on this blog “I dreamed about eating nuts, then when I woke up my stomach felt full of nuts. Dreams are wild, man.” But now I’m awake and in hindsight it’s not very cool or special. But here I am, being true to myself (?!)

Christopher and Malachi went to my in-laws for dinner without me (my choice, it’s ok) and I absolutely feel single again. It’s like I entered another dimension. Me and Achilles are in the house alone, I’m eating popcorn, and watching Netflix. Sounds great, is not great. They’ve been gone for two hours and I am NOT HAPPY as a single woman. why am i so dramatic

— note that I’m only wearing them on days I don’t leave the house —

AT WHAT AGE is too old to still be wearing my high school field hockey and high school Key Club shirts? At what age is that almost predatory?

I’m 34 now and I don’t think it’s that bad but a 40 year old with that shirt on? Do I stop when my son reaches high school age? They still fit fine so there’s no stopping me??

Wholesome family new years

(what was it LIKE to go out on New Years Eve, I don’t even remember)

The trick is, when I remember something I was trying to recall at a time I can’t write it down (shower, driving), don’t stop thinking about the thing. That way it’s always on my mind so I can’t forget it again.

SO. I just spent my whole shower thinking about Howard Stern so I wouldn’t lose his name by the time I got out. 🙂

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making groan noises when I bend over. It has gotten out of control

my problem is

I’m so over it by the time I shave one leg, I have no interest in shaving my other leg, so they’re always uneven and confusing. I just didn’t After Christmas Leg Shave and it was so boring I only shaved the right side. Is this normal OR WHAT

The amount of times I still cry when I look at Malachi and also right before he goes to sleep when I’m reading him a book that refers even REMOTELY To how much I love him is inexcusable (but also very sweet). but also get a grip, girl.

Then I told Chris about how I cried while reading him a book and I start crying again. heeeelp

While Malachi is sick with a cold, I:

- share his food

- kiss his snotty nose

- wipe his snot and get boogers in my hand and forget to wash my hands

- maintain 1 inch minimum distance from his face for most of the day

- everything I would do if he was perfectly healthy. 

it’s ok

Love is…

on a Friday, mentioning that it’s a Friday. Christopher says “today is Tuesday” and I believed him [& that I was losin’ my mind] without even checking. I just believed him. And today is Friday!!!!

he denies he said it’s Tuesday but i heard it

The things I need to accept it’s just ME, since I’m not pregnant and I can’t blame it on pregnancy hormones:

I’m have a bad memory

I might have a UTI, to explain why I'm peeing a lot

I’m just sleepy

Christopher is sitting on the porch,

eating peanut butter with a spoon, and wearing his slips at midnight on a Wednesday. “it’s the life, isn’t it, Kristin?” I guess we’ve made it

I just spent a lot of money ($25) on nail polish, but I didn’t plan on wearing any polish until I got pregnant(?). So now I’ll have it to TEASE me until I’m pregnant. it’s motivation to grow my nails long and also to get pregnant

-the silly silly things that take space in my mind. But I think this is a hack

I do the silliest additional things when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. This morning I plucked my eyebrows, yesterday lotioned my face, before that I applied scar tape. It seems like a waste not to? Gotta get on a better bathroom schedule

I cried (wept) last night from 3:15am until ~5:30 am because Achilles jumped off the bed and was wandering around our bedroom so I thought she was losing her eyesight because she’s getting old and is going to die soon. I can’t imagine my life without her and I cried (WEPT) for 2 hours without pause. 

I told Christopher this morning and he only laughed because “we have black out curtains - of course she was lost. It’s pitch black.” 

This story just to prove how much I love her. It’s very real and intense for me today

When I’m home, I dress in a way that I feel compelled to confirm with Chris that I don’t do it in public. Does that make sense? e.g. I just said “you saw that I didn’t wear my castle pants to lunch, right? I wore black pants.”

????

I can’t wait until I’m pregnant because 1. baby on the way, but 2. I’ll have an excise for crying about things that are so dumb. “it’s pregnancy hormones”

- to call Malachi a California King but not like a king of California, like the mattress

I’m crackin’ myself up over here

I successfully taught Malachi to wipe his mouth and nose on his shirt and when he does it I could not be more proud