Jessica said something about Achilles’ heart being a compass rose but I can’t remember it well enough to quote. It was funny though and very true
every time I’m by myself in the bathroom at work I make the same noise with my mouth and I’m SO SCARED one day I’ll misjudge and someone will hear me. I don’t know why I can’t stop doing it though.
I just need people to know this happens
6.5 months of tradition. today someone finally caught me
We wore red at work today because it is National Wear Red Day (?) and took this super cheesy picture. see our the fat bottomed heart! thanks to Kristin
sometimes I sneak into the kitchen at work and eat 2,3 croutons (GLUTEN) when no one is there. I’m so scared someone will catch me but the reward outweighs the risk in this case
My last post was scary vulnerable. But now I feel good! For now I feel good.
Everything is back to normal –
here’s a sleepy Achilles
I think because I’ve had so much trauma in my life I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. This breakup with Douglas is absolutely in my definition of traumatic - it has been one of the most painful, knife-twisting experiences I remember having. I’ve never handled breakups well (A WRECK) but this one has been very difficult and worse for many more reasons. My world just kind of caved in.
I don’t know how to handle trauma. I cried for days (literally days), got angry with God, and pleaded to make me feel less hollow. I feel absolutely hollow. I finally just ran out of emotion and (for the first time!) didn’t have any ideas other than just give up. At this point there’s nothing Douglas or I can do to make it easier and being sad all the time is pointless. and MISERABLE.
I 100% still believe we should be together and I’m not ready to give up on that, but I also see I could be wrong. I’m trying to trust God to either bring us back or let this make me stronger somehow. It’s NOT easy and that’s a security I only found after 40 gallons of tears and 16 hours of self blame. This is hard every day, every minute. Everything reminds me of him and the things that don’t remind me of him, I want to tell him about. It’s TRICKY and I’ve never had to trust God so much before. My faith is the only thing I feel security in. HOW do people live without God or a faith in something. i do not understand
Dad is changing the words to every song to say “deez nuts.”
Time After Time (Cyndi Lauper) - “deez nuts are yours”
Don’t Give Up On Us (David Soul) - “don’t give up on deez nuts because deez nuts are for you”
etc etc every song that plays
as of today I have THIRTEEN THINGS coming to me from eBay and one that I’m about to win. thirteen. please someone make me stop
2 months 4 days after I moved in my house, I FINALLY OWN IT. I closed today!!! finally
it was expensiveusually when I’m mad/upset at/or if I just miss people I make them gifts or color pictures and I usually feel better about the situation afterwards. I miss the heck out of Douglas. But it’s maybe inappropriate to be giving gifts to him right now? So I’m planning THE BEST birthday present EVER. 6 months away. I’m going to explode by then
Some people rebound after breakups but I went to eBay and bought socks. Now I have American flag socks, 3 pair of dog socks, socks with human hands all over them, 5 pair of neon yellow socks with shapes, socks that have a picture of feet in flip flops that look like my own feet, socks with pictures of skeleton feet on them (also meant to trick you), and socks with Mona Lisas on the side.
this week, 6-9 business days later, I am reaping the benefit. I think I’ve handled myself well
4 times Dad says “power to the people” and tries to fist pound me. Mom keeps saying things are “awesome sauce.” It feels weird around the house
Here's some exciting news
I found the names of the lead researchers and sent them an email! I’ve done this at least 6 different times before, never get a response. BUT I WON’T GIVE UP.
how about this breakthrough, though?! probably the best thing happening right now **
a combination of Rihanna and David Crowder are helping me get over this breakup. today I’m feeling good! first day without tears. this is really good
I made another collage picture. hopefully this happiness will last when I get home. I’m tired of being SAD
I painted things today! to distract from being sad about Douglas. It worked except I almost sent pictures of them to him as habit
Douglas finally said he loves me! then broke up with me. My heart is in one trillion pieces