Now that I’m married I feel like whenever I don’t drink alcohol, people think I’m pregnant

(but am I?????) jk I’m not

I had a dream that was centered around the insult of calling someone a “coo bag” and in the earliest morning I was determined to remember it for my real life. But now that I’m fully awake, I don’t know if I’ll keep itlo

It’s so fun to be be naked in a womens locker room, esp in Florida where I’m the youngest. There’s no reeeeason for me to be naked, but I take my clothes off anyway. They just don’t care. Look at me, neither do I

I ate so much that I barfed last night, but I woke up this morning and my armpits still smell like soap. Life is fun

The people who rented my parents’ condo in Florida left behind a bunch of men’s shirts and boxers. I’ve been living in men’s shirts and boxers all week

I didn’t bring my razor to Florida because Christopher isn’t here and I wanted to see how long my armpit hair would grow so Dad is dropping HINTS at me to buy one. I told him my plan then showed him how long it is and hahaha he gagged. I’m the cuUuUutest

I’m getting older, I guess:

now I’m just excited about using Daylight Saving Time to justify going to sleep earlier. Last night was 8:30pm!!!! I’m 50 years old! (jk I’m 31)

I woke early because of that and I’ve been thinking about a tan sweater for 15 minutes. I don’t own a tan sweater and I need to. Also I just bought nonslip glasses nose pads

I’m glad I don’t have a wiener because then everyone would hear how much I’m peeing and then comment on how much I hold in my pee (like I do to Christopher) (why doesn’t he get annoyed with me)

I deleted the weather app on my phone so now I have to look at the SKY and GUESS what’s going to happen. I’m not being dramatic, but I feel free

The biggest problem in my life right now is that Christopher started folding the chip bags in a very fancy, clip-free way that I can’t replicate. So I can’t sneak any chips. I’ve been blocked 3 times today so far

(please note that he doesn’t caaaare that I’m eating mid-meal chips. But I still need to sneak how many times I do it)

I’d be we a bad wife to a fat man because I’d want to play with his belly fat all the time? I try to do it to Christopher but he doesn’t have any. good but bad thing

I’m either a very silly dreamer, or I farted 3 times in quick succession and woke myself up this morning. I’m a lady so there’s a good chance I dreamed it up, but woke up laughing anyway. what a WASTE christopher slept through it all

The problem: I get a thrill, a DELIGHT, from seeing the Amazon delivery man coming up my sidewalk. so much that I’m spending $13 on tea to get him back.

(but it’s veryyyyyyyyyyy good and was worth it. inquire within)

Christopher and I made shadow puppets on the bedroom ceiling for 20 minutes before going to bed, so 9 year old marries 9 year old

I’d rather have $500 in my account than $1,000 or more???

Update: 31 years old and I got my first hangover this weekend. It was terRrRrible and maybe I’ll never drink alcohol again, buttttt Christopher turns 30 on Tuesday, and I found a drink that I actually enjoy

Christopher says he doesn’t remember a time that I covered my mouth when I yawn. HAHAHA I promise I did in the beginning

I’m not kidding when I say my Greek yogurt chicken salad tastes like cotton candy. Christopher is gone all weekend so guess who is having sweEeEets (chicken salad) (cotton candy) for dinner??!! me. I made a friend in the Costco checkout line about this today

I didn’t realize how muchhh I use my right side mirror (car) until a trash can JUMPED in the middle of the road and KNOCKED it off. not my fault, obviously

I was rolling around my kitchen trying to find the source of a poop smell, but it was on my wheel/whole hand. I rolled through poop (AGAIN) and was tracking it around the house. Someone come get this cat