I’m either a very silly dreamer, or I farted 3 times in quick succession and woke myself up this morning. I’m a lady so there’s a good chance I dreamed it up, but woke up laughing anyway. what a WASTE christopher slept through it all

The problem: I get a thrill, a DELIGHT, from seeing the Amazon delivery man coming up my sidewalk. so much that I’m spending $13 on tea to get him back.

(but it’s veryyyyyyyyyyy good and was worth it. inquire within)

Christopher and I made shadow puppets on the bedroom ceiling for 20 minutes before going to bed, so 9 year old marries 9 year old

I’d rather have $500 in my account than $1,000 or more???

Update: 31 years old and I got my first hangover this weekend. It was terRrRrible and maybe I’ll never drink alcohol again, buttttt Christopher turns 30 on Tuesday, and I found a drink that I actually enjoy

Christopher says he doesn’t remember a time that I covered my mouth when I yawn. HAHAHA I promise I did in the beginning

I’m not kidding when I say my Greek yogurt chicken salad tastes like cotton candy. Christopher is gone all weekend so guess who is having sweEeEets (chicken salad) (cotton candy) for dinner??!! me. I made a friend in the Costco checkout line about this today

I didn’t realize how muchhh I use my right side mirror (car) until a trash can JUMPED in the middle of the road and KNOCKED it off. not my fault, obviously

I was rolling around my kitchen trying to find the source of a poop smell, but it was on my wheel/whole hand. I rolled through poop (AGAIN) and was tracking it around the house. Someone come get this cat

Marine Corps Marathon was cancelled on Halloween (SADDEST), so I registered for 3 half marathons, 1 full marathon, a 5k, and a 10k all before December 4th. what am I doiiiiiing

I rolled in poop, it transferred to my hand, and Christopher has been calling me Poop Hand all day

I’m writing a book right now (number 4!) (so busy but so fun!) and I’m realizing that I love the word “though.” I just love it. Does anyone care what my favorite word is?

Talking about pregnancy and babies is soOoOo boring, but it’s a super easy topic to talk about for a long time with women I have nothing in common with.

People who think I’m obsessed with getting pregnant because I used this tactic:

- a whole baby shower full of white girls

- my stepsister

- someone I met on set of a movie last week

- and one old man who emails me every week.

I’ve devoted so much time to this conversation already. Please no one talk about babies around me I already know everything

Real love is being in a fight with Christopher and he still gets me the the guacamole upgrade at Chipotle. wowwwwww when I might not deserve it

happy 16th (accident-)anniversary, little bug

My favorite thing about my husband is that he lets me pull his finger before he farts

I’m VERY proud of how clear my pee is these days so I left in it the toilet for Christopher to see and also be proud, but he only complained that it smells and I need to flush it. HAHA it doesn’t smell badly there’s no way it does. I’m peeing water and I’m so proud of myself.

Today is Achilles’ 9th birthday and I’m trying to be happy for her but I’m sad that she’s aging (like fine wine) (but I still cried)

There’s an event next year that I don’t want to go to, but will definitely be invited. This year I used the excuse “I’m saving money to build a house so I can’t afford it,” and next year I’m looking forward to the excuse “i have a baby so I can’t afford it.” I’m going to have this baby so i can get out of this event, basically. I reeeally don’t like saying “no”

Christopher and I laid down to take a nap today but I was so excited to be taking a nap that I couldn’t fall asleep for the whole 20 minutes