Not a conspiracy theorist, but people not telling me about my running mascara/raccoon eyes feels like a conspiracy against me. Literally I have it to my cheekbones

It’s disappointing that I don’t have any “Christopher is out of town! Now I can ___!” or “I’m home alone (with Malachi)! Finally we’ll ____!” Christopher is gone for the weekend and the only thing we’re doing differently is playing Bible songs at volume

The fact: when you're pregnant, your tastebuds change. Things you usually love will taste yucky.

The application: we just went out for hibachi. I got hibachi salmon, which comes with fried rice, which tasted YUCKY and I couldn't eat it. I'm pregnant! I thought about it all dinner and on the way home, I'm excited because I'm pregnant!! then I took a test and I'm not, Christopher told me "the bad chef was working tonight." aaaaand I deflated. I thought the fried rice was going to be my pregnancy story, y'all

I freakin love folding fitted sheets. Why does everyone hate on it so much?? Match is the corners and roll it like a ball. bam and doesn’t even look sloppy.

somebody please argue with me about this

As they get older, my grandparents are renaming me. I used to be Kristin, but now I’m Christine, Christian, Kristian, and Kris. I think it’s wonderful and so cute

Cleaning the house is soo much slower (and so much sweeter) when Malachi is behind me, pushing my wheelchair where he wants me to go. it’s ok for now but when he gets old enough to know better, YOU BET I’m gonna smack his hands when he tries to push. (I don’t like it!!!) (but I love it now!!! so small, so sweet)

e.g. we’re throwing away Old tangerines from the refrigerator, but I’m stuck in the laundry room I can’t get out without rolling over his fingers. Help! but don’t help! I love it!

Malachi was crying so I was switching between whispering “you’re good” and “you’re okay” to calm him down but INSTEAD I whispered “you’re gay” in his ear 5 times before catching it. hehe

Now it’s so many people are getting Botox lip injections, I am suspect of everyone who has medium to big ones. Who cares, but I can’t stop wondering. trust no lip

Christopher got a free loaf of bread then our groceries totaled $46.46 so I ran to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. it was negative but wouldn’t that be a STORY for the table. we got a free loaf of bread on your (kinda) birthday, son

Teaching bad habits  pt. 2:

we lift up my shirt (I do do it then he does it) to smack me on the stomach because it makes him laugh. So, now! He lifts up other peoples shirts to I guess their stomach? he hasn’t gotten that far yet, though. you can imagine

How I’m teaching Malachi to hit people another bad habits:

he likes it when I say “ow” (accidentally discovered), so I shout it when he hits me and he just laaaughs. So now he hits! tiny win: I also do it when he hits his own head, so he usually just hits himself and me. it’s ok. Christopher says it makes him look autistic but it doesn’t. He’s cute

— I believe I’ve expressed this on here before, but it just made me laugh again today —

At what point in my marriage did I go from “Christopher should find me attractive every day” to “I’m not seeing anyone except Christopher today. I’ll wear my blue pants with castles on them becuase there comfy.” (they’re soo ugly)

Mom always told me “if you wear men’s deodorant, you’re going to go on a date and the guy will wear the same deodorant as you. That’s weird, Kristin.” (I do it because of the smells) and last night Christopher said “is that Axe Phoenix? I used to wear that.”

HA. it didn’t happen until I’m MARRIED and it’s NOT weird. we bonded?

I’m following this new trend where I buy NIGHT GOWNS that look pretty much like normal dresses. Then when I wear them, I’m the comfiest all day.

it’s not a trend*, I’m the only one who does But it’s smart, right?

I don’t looove going to the doctors office, but I love when I’m there often enough that nurses start letting me into their workplace drama (I never ask, they just spill)

I had an allergic reaction to a 10-day antibiotic, but I wanted to finish it anyway and now I don’t remember what it’s like to not have itchy red bumps (hives, right?) all over my arm and chest.

I itched so much that it looks like a giant hickey on my chest, so I addressed it with Chris. It HURTS, y’all

I’m on an antibiotic that’s making my body itchy like CRAZY. I’m also meeting a lot of new friends in the morning so I thought how funny would it be if they notice and remember me as the itchy gal? hehehe

Christopher and Malachi went to my in-laws for dinner without me (my choice, it’s ok) and I absolutely feel single again. It’s like I entered another dimension. Me and Achilles are in the house alone, I’m eating popcorn, and watching Netflix. Sounds great, is not great. They’ve been gone for two hours and I am NOT HAPPY as a single woman. why am i so dramatic

Where some (most) (all) people look forward to the weekend because they get to relax and not work, I look forward to the weekend because I get to run out mop/vacuum robot to clean the floors and the dishwasher on Sunday. 

WHO AM I NOW. 

a mama, a homemaker. hehe gross

When I was in the shower I remembered how my ex boyfriend told me(?!) that him and his new girlfriend (AFTER me) like to lick each others butt holes. DODGED A BULLET. what about poop?