It’s snowing today and (for the first time??) I don’t mind it at all because I have a book to write, hot tea, a book to read, a husband. I’m the coziest and the most white girl

When I met Christopher, I was dating a guy called Michael — they were both at my house for a game night (because I’m COMPLETELY oblivious), Michael said that Christopher “liked me” and I didn’t think so, so I made a $1.50 bet that he’s wrong.

So he wasn’t wrong and Christopher and I got married. I forgot about that bet until today but I’ll still never pay that dude $1.50. I just won’t. But let’s all realize how compleeetely oblivious I am

Christopher has Omicron so I get to wear chapstick to bed now (he doesn’t like it, won’t kiss me) so I got CARRIED AWAY and I put Vaseline all over my face before I go to bed now. Like, caked on. Achilles loses her mindDd trying to lick me. It’s just a fun thing we do don’t call me gross

I unknowingly ate two yellow M&Ms in a row last week. Christopher noticed, thinks I only eat yellow M&Ms, and he gives me all the yellow ones from his bag. I don’t even like M&Ms because I don’t like chocolate but I’m gonna eat every yellow one he gives me because it’s so sweet. THE THINGS we do for love

remember that I sit butt-level – so when someone farts, it's right in my face. and when I know they did it, I close my mouth and my nose (so the fart particles won't get in) but also I think about wanting to shut off my eyeballs and lips (so the fart particles can't stick to). 

Achilles had gas that was killin' us last night. We were in the dark so I tried closing up all those things because no one could see me, so let's imagine how I looked while I did that. everyone just imagine

Sometimes I'm in the shower for so long that I forget what life is like when I'm dry. don't tell Chris he pays the bill

a stranger air dropped me a picture of his naked hinney. This is the greatest thing that has happened to me

The longest days are the days I’m waiting for the avocados to get ripe. whaaat am I supposed to eat for breakfast

• a small problem, but a problem

I’m trying HARD to be excited for wintertime this year, because dreading and being bummed about it is too much bad energy (sound like a hippie, I’m not). So I expanded my hot tea SECTION to an entire SHELF in our pantry. I bought a Sherpa jacket, and I brought out my box of candles (so many candles). Let’s do this

Now that I’m married I feel like whenever I don’t drink alcohol, people think I’m pregnant

(but am I?????) jk I’m not

I had a dream that was centered around the insult of calling someone a “coo bag” and in the earliest morning I was determined to remember it for my real life. But now that I’m fully awake, I don’t know if I’ll keep itlo

It’s so fun to be be naked in a womens locker room, esp in Florida where I’m the youngest. There’s no reeeeason for me to be naked, but I take my clothes off anyway. They just don’t care. Look at me, neither do I

I ate so much that I barfed last night, but I woke up this morning and my armpits still smell like soap. Life is fun

The people who rented my parents’ condo in Florida left behind a bunch of men’s shirts and boxers. I’ve been living in men’s shirts and boxers all week

I didn’t bring my razor to Florida because Christopher isn’t here and I wanted to see how long my armpit hair would grow so Dad is dropping HINTS at me to buy one. I told him my plan then showed him how long it is and hahaha he gagged. I’m the cuUuUutest

I’m getting older, I guess:

now I’m just excited about using Daylight Saving Time to justify going to sleep earlier. Last night was 8:30pm!!!! I’m 50 years old! (jk I’m 31)

I woke early because of that and I’ve been thinking about a tan sweater for 15 minutes. I don’t own a tan sweater and I need to. Also I just bought nonslip glasses nose pads

I’m glad I don’t have a wiener because then everyone would hear how much I’m peeing and then comment on how much I hold in my pee (like I do to Christopher) (why doesn’t he get annoyed with me)

I deleted the weather app on my phone so now I have to look at the SKY and GUESS what’s going to happen. I’m not being dramatic, but I feel free

The biggest problem in my life right now is that Christopher started folding the chip bags in a very fancy, clip-free way that I can’t replicate. So I can’t sneak any chips. I’ve been blocked 3 times today so far

(please note that he doesn’t caaaare that I’m eating mid-meal chips. But I still need to sneak how many times I do it)

I’d be we a bad wife to a fat man because I’d want to play with his belly fat all the time? I try to do it to Christopher but he doesn’t have any. good but bad thing