Because I’m 31, married, and significantly more boring than I used to be, I said “no, thanks” to a super bowl party to stay at home, take my bra off, and drink milk in front of the television

I started putting Vaseline on my face every morning and night now, and it’s my greatest kept secret, esp for wintertime. Christopher bought me a Vaseline MINI to take on our cruise. So:

a) My face is always moisturized but

b) it’s also so shiny. so shiny

I’m not the kind of wife to sweetly awaken Christopher (& Achilles) when they sleep through the alarm for work. Instead I’m lying here, praying they’re not dead and planning what I’ll do if they are. I’m just in bed next to Chris almost crying and softly panting until he wakes up

(They’re both alive don’t worry) (hahaha but what if. not funny)

There’s a smear of POOP at the top of our picture frame and everyone is denying it. Christopher is blaming it on me but I can’t even reach hahahahahahaha who did this

I’ve been listening to a looot of opera recently, and it’s just an interesting thing to have an opera song stuck in my head. I don’t have a good singing voice so I can’t even express myself

We got married more than 9 months ago but AT WHAT POINT are people going to stop asking me “how’s married life?” That’s such a weird question that I’ve answered (“it’s fun, it’s really fun”) at least 300 times? 350?

-- just like I did with all of my dates in 2017 (see: Date Me), I'm going to start a new TRADITION: making a one-block comic out of every argument Christopher and I have throughout the year. Then I'll give it to him as a Christmas present.

(making something fun out of something that sucks) (dating, now arguments with my husband) (is this healthy?)

makes me look forward to our arguments? no. it will be fun to look back on at the end of the year? maybe. standby

I've been married for almost a year now (9 months) and it's still so weird and thrilling.
- I still introduce myself as Kristin Beale sometimes
- I practically throw up of excitement when Christopher does things like schedule a date night for us. it just feels too weird and good to be real
- my instinct is still to keep stuff to myself, but I have a HUSBAND now who WANTS to hear dumb things I think about
marriage, highly recommend. it's so fun, every day. and mine is a very good cook so I don't even know how to scramble my own eggs anymore. he does it for me!! aren't we cute!!!!

I’m writing my 4th book right now (STAY TUNED. IT’S FUN) and it’s like I just discovered how to italicize. Slanted words bring so much attitude

I cut three (four? who knows!!) inches off my hair today. on my front porch, in my underwear, 35 degrees outside. Also waving to neighbors walking by like I just got out of prison. it’s ok. Christopher hasn’t seen it yet but it’s ok!!! it’s gonna be ok

With this picture, one of us needs to run for presidency (am I right??)

It’s snowing today and (for the first time??) I don’t mind it at all because I have a book to write, hot tea, a book to read, a husband. I’m the coziest and the most white girl

When I met Christopher, I was dating a guy called Michael — they were both at my house for a game night (because I’m COMPLETELY oblivious), Michael said that Christopher “liked me” and I didn’t think so, so I made a $1.50 bet that he’s wrong.

So he wasn’t wrong and Christopher and I got married. I forgot about that bet until today but I’ll still never pay that dude $1.50. I just won’t. But let’s all realize how compleeetely oblivious I am

Christopher has Omicron so I get to wear chapstick to bed now (he doesn’t like it, won’t kiss me) so I got CARRIED AWAY and I put Vaseline all over my face before I go to bed now. Like, caked on. Achilles loses her mindDd trying to lick me. It’s just a fun thing we do don’t call me gross

I unknowingly ate two yellow M&Ms in a row last week. Christopher noticed, thinks I only eat yellow M&Ms, and he gives me all the yellow ones from his bag. I don’t even like M&Ms because I don’t like chocolate but I’m gonna eat every yellow one he gives me because it’s so sweet. THE THINGS we do for love

remember that I sit butt-level – so when someone farts, it's right in my face. and when I know they did it, I close my mouth and my nose (so the fart particles won't get in) but also I think about wanting to shut off my eyeballs and lips (so the fart particles can't stick to). 

Achilles had gas that was killin' us last night. We were in the dark so I tried closing up all those things because no one could see me, so let's imagine how I looked while I did that. everyone just imagine

Sometimes I'm in the shower for so long that I forget what life is like when I'm dry. don't tell Chris he pays the bill

a stranger air dropped me a picture of his naked hinney. This is the greatest thing that has happened to me

The longest days are the days I’m waiting for the avocados to get ripe. whaaat am I supposed to eat for breakfast

• a small problem, but a problem

I’m trying HARD to be excited for wintertime this year, because dreading and being bummed about it is too much bad energy (sound like a hippie, I’m not). So I expanded my hot tea SECTION to an entire SHELF in our pantry. I bought a Sherpa jacket, and I brought out my box of candles (so many candles). Let’s do this